parenting should be a practice meditation for buddhist monks.

i'm looking back at a time when sleep wasn't an issue. back when i didn't know the meaning of frustration. back when i didn't think about how, when, and where my baby fell asleep. back when i could take a picture of her sleeping without the paralyzing fear that, oh god, she might wake up. if you haven't figured it out, i am currently in the process of cleaning up nevaeh's sleep hygiene. that's what all the books call it when your kid wakes up too much or doesn't fall asleep right, or doesn't fall asleep period. well, i just spent the last half hour or so literally fighting with nevaeh to go back to sleep. i say literally because it involved physical force on her part. you see when she is crying she will violently push herself up on all fours against my body. so she won't rock in the rocking chair and she won't walk around and she won't stand swaying and she won't nurse and she won'twon'twon'twon'twon't do whatever it takes to fall asleep again. which seems odd to me because she is remarkably tired. i say parenting should be training for buddhist monks because it takes every ounce i have in me to not scream as loud and long as i can. also, to get nevaeh back to sleep i have to hold her, standing, motionless for what feels like eternity, staring at the dimly lit wall. i know what you ferber-ized rents are saying, and yes we went the "let her cry it out" route. what sucks about it is that, much like atkins, you have to maintain it for it to actually work. nevaeh got sick a few weeks ago so we couldn't allow ourselves to let her cry it out every single time and lookit that, those 20lbs are right back where i left them. so i have to hold her, standing, motionless for what feels like eternity until i can place her into her crib. and you know it's bad because when she allows me to let go and rolls onto her side i mutter "thank you Jesus" and i mean it and i'm not even christian. but there it is, and i do mean it.